Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Week In Review - Of Spam

In one of my Wishing Wednesday's, I suggested that spam should be a federal offense. Maybe this will help you understand why... I tracked my spam account for 1 week (about 500+ messages) and it's created much thought...

Who are these people? Are they getting paid to attack my email? One spammer - igarden4fun- seems to be offering me MANY varieties of spam (dates, credit reports, loan offers, jobs from home). Dude, all I can say is I hope you are getting paid well because the very fact that I RECOGNIZE your address in the Spam Box is really pretty sad.

How are they finding me? It's not like I've put my email on a billboard. Are we forced to close out accounts and start new ones to run away from these spammers? For a while I diligently clicked on the "unsubscribe" button - I don't know that it helped at all. Now I just delete.

What is SPAM anyway? I know it's a meat(ish) substance in a can - and who REALLY knows beyond that...but what is computer SPAM? Special Pain-in-the Ass Message? Special Persuasion Aimed at Morons? Single Procreating Alien Monsters? I digress.

I've tried to consider "how could I make spam more fun"? Could you use it as a fortune cookie / horoscope? Could you make career moves based on the traffic of spam? Are there secret messages in spam? (Think "You've Won Lotto in UK" = an unexpected bill will be coming your way.)

If you have any advice on how to avoid these bloodsuckers in the future - please let me know. Until then, let's look at what I've accumulated in a weeks time. It's pretty exciting stuff!

I have many opportunities to be better insured - 29 Auto, 16 Health, 11 Life, 8 Home and 3 for anything else. I can also renew my car warranty with 3 offers.

I could consider a career change - 9 to go to school, 16 Dental, 25 Teaching, 9 Pharmacy Techs, 5 Social Work, 11 Nursing and 7 Professional Painters. I have 15 offers for financial aid to support this career change and 2 offers to just give me a loan for whatever I might want.

But I don't think I need to bother with schooling since I already have 9 job offers - one is for $120,000 a year and is part time from home! Or I could just write poetry - I have 21 people begging me to publish and I have 7 book offers and 3 offers to proofread poetry. And if none of that works out - I have 3 Home Business offers, and 23 from Sex (oops - it's really Six) Sigma - it just sounds porn-ish.

What will I do with all my money from the new job? I can buy an Ab Circle, use it on 7 offers for drugs without prescriptions, buy ink online, remove my dark circles, get a magic jack, go on a Disney vacation, or buy some quality coffee that they will Auto-Ship to me for the rest of my life.

Money is definitely in my future- 2 of my next of kin are trying to reach me regarding an inheritance, 3 notices about a payment, I've won 5 cash awards / lotteries, I'm going to be credited for 1 ATM Payment, I'm expecting 2 instant payments, Western Union has 2 transactions for me waiting to be picked up, I'm eligible for GI Benefits (regardless of not enlisting in any branch of the military) and I have 1 package that will be delivered to me as soon as they can update my address (which hasn't changed in over a decade). I also have an email alert and an important notice from anonymous senders - I'm sure they also have money for me.

I am a very important person - the United Nations and FBI are both trying to contact me urgently.

Proof that spam is seasonal - 6 offers to help with Tax Debt and 1 about Valentines Day.

I'm worried about my health- 2 offers to buy health products online "discreetly", 9 offers for a diabetic meter, 1 notice about heartburn, 11 alerts about birth control side effects, 16 alerts about Paxil, 4 about Reglan, 1 about Extenze and 3 warnings about anti-depressant use. In the event that all this worry leads to hair loss - I have 11 offers to help me with that. And Smart Smoker will help me lower my nicotine contact - uhm, thanks I never started and I think that real "smart smokers" just quit.

I should consider remodeling my house - given the 10 low rate, pre-approved offers that I've received. And if that doesn't work out so well - I have 6 offers for Time Shares. And I'll be able to verify my good-credit rating for all those loans with my 4 credit report offers.

In the event that I decide that married life is not for me (just kidding Hubby) I have 28 offers from EHarmony to help me back into the dating game. However, I don't think I'd have to stoop to surveys since itouchmyself3 is "hot 4U" , a Brazilian beauty (twice)is new in my area and looking for a date, and Amjad baig believes in love, Lady GiLuvzU and buggy boo both want a date, and David Klottery has a "partnership proposal" for me, while Dr. Antar Ekli is offering mutual benefits. If none of that works, I have offers from Find & F*** and also from F***Book - I'm not kidding.

After all that dating, I'll likely be tired - but don't worry. It won't slow me down because I have 12 offers for a power chair- which I am assured I qualify for with no out of pocket payment. And in my old age I can be prepared if I act now on one of the 8 offers for senior living.

While I'm sitting around, I can enjoy any one of my 14 offers for satellite TV service - HD for the Super Bowl and a lower price than cable - and they will help me to recover from my sub-quality life without DVR.

But I think my favorites are the ones with a "personal touch". Kelly at Facebook has sent me 4 messages. Mr. Li Chin Wu, Mr. Mark Jones, Mrs. Lily Goody, Robert Zoellick, Rev james Morgan, and Dave Agot all need responses from me. By all means if you know any of these people - please tell them that I am much TOO busy to respond to their requests.

And this is JUST my private account. I could start a fan club with the number of foreign emails (I mean - not in English) that I've been receiving at my work address. Apparently I am very popular in the foreign countries.

The funny thing is, for a few hours before writing this - it was like all the spammers took a vacation. My Spam Box remained empty for multiple hours - it hadn't happend all week - it's like they knew they were about to be outed!

Here's hoping your week is SPAM free and that maybe my inbox brought you a smile!


Janet said...

Well, my suggestion is always to stop visiting all those porn sites and subscribing. However, I'd think that if this were the reason, you'd also have a ton of emails about how you can enlarge your manhood. Which interestingly is what most of mine tend to be.

I really think what it all means is that you should put that GI Bill to good use and go to dental hygenist school.

Karen said...

Such a great post!

I wonder what the street value is for Cialis and Viagra. Because with all the offers I get to ship it free from Canada, I could turn quite the profit. Which I can then invest in these high-yielding penny stocks that I keep turning down.

Megan said...

Ha! Great post.

All my spam is for viagra. I just want to say dude, I have 3 kids aged 4 and under --- sooooo not what I need right now. Send me some spam for some ambien - now that I might actually go for. ;-)

Michelle said...

Wow that's a lot of spam. Don't publish your email anywhere in a pattern. There are trolling programs that will pick it up and sell it to spammers.

Don't OPEN any spam. The email programs that send mass email can track how many emails are opened (and which) and then clicked through. If you don't open anything, eventually they assume it's a dead account. Ditto with clicking on the unsubscribe. Unsubscribing is simply proof that you exist.

Orrrr just enjoy the fan mail you get ;)