Sunday, August 29, 2010

So Not Over It

At the end of week 2 at the new "temp" job (2 weeks down 14 left to go) - I fell into a sad grief for the loss of my old job.

You see, the problem is that I was really good at my old job. I loved that when I came into work I was mostly in charge of my own day. I knew what to expect. I knew how to do all the work. I knew what was coming up. I knew how to kill time. I knew how to hustle ass and get shit done. I even knew that I'd get my "to do" list for the entire year!

I had my own parking space. I had my own office space. I had my own computer, my own phone, I knew how to order supplies, I knew where to charge copies too. I knew everything - I was the master of my job. Even my supervisor could sometimes offer suggestions, but didn't know all the in's and out's like I did.

Some days were filled with meetings. And regardless of the crazy hour I might have to leave - at the end of the road there were people that I liked and knew and understood. (Minus all the ivory tower overlords.) My phone didn't ring off the hook. The expectations were clear. I had a whole handbook of guidelines to direct me, forms to fulfill every requirement, and while some of it varied from year to year - it was all systematic...once you figured it out and translated what they wanted into what you could deliver.

I miss my old job. Miss it like a dear old friend. And in this area - there is nothing comparable. Nothing even in that field of expertise. So I'm starting over - which may sound like a positive opportunity for growth - but in reality, that means I feel like a newbie straight out of school. I've gone from 'expert of most things' to 'expert of nothing'.

I've discovered that I'm really not so fond of work that is completely people-centered. I don't mind people in small doses - but when your job is one that totally demands on meeting the whims of multiple people (often without resources or logic)...well, it kind of sucks. It's a bit like fighting a forest fire with a water bottle.

I'm also not such a big fan of "traditional work hours'. Add that to the list of things I'm missing - in the old days - if I wanted to start my day early - I could. If that happened - I would also leave early. I didn't take a lunch break and I didn't hesitate to take off when my kiddo got out early - because I always had extra comp hours to burn. When your job revolves around people - it also revolves around their hours - which do not do much for my mommy duties!

And somewhere in the back of my mind - I'm losing faith that I will find a place that fits me (and I it). And that I will be good at, enjoy, and be able to live with the wages. Okay, at the end of the week - that doubt was front and center in my mind, pouring out of my mouth, and making my eyes water. I'm trying to cram it back deep down into the dark place as I prepare for week 3...if you have any extra hope in your pocket...please feel free to send it my way.


Cole said...

Aww! I'm sorry. You will find a job that fits your life. Part of finding that new job is trying out ones that just plain don't. Think of it as kissing lots of frogs before you find your prince...for the job market.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry things have been rough!!!! I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way. You will find a good fit soon, I'm sure. Hang in there.

Janet said...

I think I might need all the hope I can get, but I do seem to have a little right now, so I'll send a bit your way! At least this new situation is temporary!

Karen Peterson said...

Regina, you're grieving. I think you need to let yourself go through the process. Feel the hurt. Don't wallow in it for too long, but let yourself feel those emotions. Don't just shove them deep down and pretend they aren't there.

Something will work out for you. Something amazing. It's hard to believe it now, but it will come and all of this will seem like such a small moment.