Friday, April 2, 2010

Plus 1, Door Number 2, and 3 Don't Do's

I went to a wedding recently. It was one of those weddings where I really didn't know anyone - I just got drug along as the plus one. The nice thing about not being emotionally involved - is that you have lots of time to observe.

1st. There are lots of wedding traditions that just put a lot of pressure on the guests. Okay, so there is plenty of pressure - look nice, right gift, RSVP in timely manner. But sometimes there are "extra surprises" "we'd like to take your picture - right as you arrive, coming in from the rain." I don't take many good pictures on days where mother nature isn't pouring on my head - much less on a day like this, for an event that I was drug along to.

Please don't do this to your guests. As if that wasn't enough, I noticed that the photographer was ALSO sneaking shots of us as we casually waited for the festivities to begin. I felt like I should go introduce myself and let them know "I'm the plus one, don't bother pointing here."

We were also asked to fill out a card for the couple and they applied MORE pressure b/c this was the "guest book". I refused, but I can imagine them insisting that you give marital advice or maybe it highlights how you know the couple - which in my case would have been "barely, but thanks for the cake and mints".

2nd Weddings give you the chance to observe lots of religious traditions. Like putting the cloth that a pastor wears around their neck (I'd call it a Lay - but that seems wrong.) ON TOP of the bride / grooms hands when you bless the couple? Is this an old ritual to keep the pastor from catching "common people" germs? Are the seven deadly sins contagious?

Sometimes churches are designed in some fashion that makes you think there are secrets! Like in this one, I swear there were "little people" doors behind the cross on the main "stage". I kept waiting for the little people chorus line to break out...alas, it never happened. But what are the doors for? Do you have to know a secret handshake to get in there? Do they only open them on special occasions? Does it lead to a secret passageway? And if I had explored it after the ceremony what would the punishment be if I were caught?

As a general aside note - the musical selections at weddings may be special for the bride and groom - but I see little point in them. First, I think that public singing is best left for darkly lit rooms or concerts - a wedding is neither. If you love songs - play them at your rehearsal dinner, play them during your reception, play them as people are entering the church and sitting / waiting with the photographer pretending to be the paparazzi....but for heaven sake, stop insisting that everyone listen to a singer that may or may not preform well under pressure while the wedding party tears up and tries to avoid ruining their makeup. Your guests will thank you, trust me.

3rd. As a youth at our church, they let us light the candles for service - it was a big deal. Little did I know, it was trade school for later life - when someone would ask you to be the candle lighter in their wedding. And in this case, practice does NOT make perfect.

Candles are one of those things in weddings that are just begging for Murphey's Law to come into practice. Why do we insist that someone light them in front of the audience? Who needs that kind of pressure? You might as well invite a crowd to watch you apply your eyeliner and mascara in the morning...we only need it to get done, we don't need to watch.

I'm going to start keeping score - of weddings where some kind of "catastrophe" does or doesn't happen with the candles. I'm fairly sure that I can quickly prove - beyond statistical question - that you should avoid candles at all costs.

My final observation is for the guests. Is it really necessary for EVERY SINGLE person under the age of 30 to have their personal video / photos of the ceremony? Either save your money on the photographer and challenge your guest to get good shots OR ask them to put it away. I swear, at several points the bride / groom had 4+ video cameras on them with an additional 20 cameras pointing at them. And this was a pretty small wedding - as weddings go.

I know, I know, it's YOUR day. You can do it anyway you want. But have you seen any really awful wedding ideas / traditions?


Karen said...

If I ever am fortunate enough to stumble into wedding bliss, the wedding will be as simple as guest-less as possible.

Because, as Jerry Seinfeld once so astutely pointed out, "No one want to go to your wedding. We're happy for you. But why does that mean you get to ruin a perfectly good Saturday?"

Janet said...

I just got a wedding invitation from my cousin today. LOL

The absolute BEST wedding story I have was another cousin, and I swear, IN THEIR VOWS, she said to him, "When we met each other on the internet, neither one of us was really sure if the other was a man or a woman."

I busted up laughing. No one else seemed to think it was funny.

Oh, and yes, they are divorced now.