Droid Does...

... work in the New Year!

Just sayin....

Just Call Me Big Bird

I've learned a lot about myself during this "bump" in the road of employment.

I have learned that I am a nester. (spell check denies this is a word but you know what I mean- you know, nesting - making your space home / well stocked)

In this temporary job I am working at two locations. In one land, I was lucky enough to be given an office - with a desk, a phone, eventually a computer, some simple working supplies.

At the other land where I work - I find myself working out of a mostly empty conference room one day and in someone else's office the other. This means on one day - I'm sitting in the other office workers lunch room...(it's a nice treat when they decide to eat sausages and sauerkraut for lunch)...there is no phone, no computer, no internet connection even if I brought one. Files must be packed out of the main office to this location and locked any time I so much as go to the bathroom - because I can't lock the ROOM (I have no key) this means loading and unloading the files into a temporary cabinet several times a day. There are no tissues, no office supplies, no resources. There is however, now a mini-office in my bag - which weighs a ton, which I must pack in and out every day...because I am a working nomad. And on the day when I'm in someone else's space ---well, how awkward is it to dig through someone's drawers while searching for a paper clip? And it gives no relief to the whole "storage" problem....but at least I have a key that day.

It brings me ridiculous comfort to have a few simple things in my work office...I will admit that as I was moving out of my office for over 6 years - I realized I was over-stocked with comfort items. But have you ever tried to make it through a day of work when you really need a nail file? How about chap stick? What about hand lotion?

I also like to have some food items on hand. A few breakfast bars. Maybe a few snack items to help fend off any temping evil food. Maybe a shelf-safe lunch item. And I like to drink hot tea...so this leads to a coffee mug, a spoon and an electric kettle.

It took me about 2 days to move my personal office fridge. (staff fridge does not mean my standard of "clean" and I've had one two many things walk away in a shared fridge...a fridge that is all mine requires a higher degree of willingness to commit crime)

In truth - I've had a small bag that I've really wanted to bring in as well. It includes a toothbrush, deodorant, tylenol, nasal spray (it's a fending-off-germs thing), powder...and my gym socks and shoes. (my work shoes are not treadmill friendly...so no shoes equals no taking my break at the gym)

The list goes on...and yes, clearly - my temporary home (or no home to call my own) has showed me that I can absolutely survive with all these things. But how much nicer is it to feel secure in your space - that your needs, however random, will easily be met?

Am I alone here? Or do you find yourself cramming personal need items into your workspace?

The Corn Waits For No One

It is my favorite season.
No, I'm not referring to the weather - which pretty much could be described as so hot you contemplate peeling off your own skin.

I'm referring to the season of corn. Oh, sweet corn! (Do not confuse this with anything that has ever been served at a restaurant - that is barely food.)
I love the impatience of sweet corn. When it is ready for picking - you must pick it NOW.

It is fast to cook.

I love that when you really know corn - you know that the good stuff is not the overly large kernels. The good stuff is the baby small kernels because they are full of sweetness.

It is fast to pass - sweet corn (or at least the good stuff) is short lived.

This is how it has come that when we have sweet corn - we HAVE corn. Like corn equals a meal for me.

So the other night - I steamed up a pot of corn on the cob. A pot that should have fed everyone in the house...

And somehow, by the time hubby reached the kitchen - the pot had been emptied and was on round 2.

See? Corn season really is short around here.

Who's Got the Map?

Since the amputation of my entire department, I'm pretty emotional.

I waiver between extreme grief for the agency that I wish I was still working with and excitement at the idea of doing something new.

I waiver between fear / total panic at the idea of going somewhere else to work - with new people, new expectations - that whole "not being the expert at your job" is kind of horrifying. I feel like I've been dumped and I'm jumping into dating before I'm even "over it". Maybe I'm not ready to like new co-workers or get to know new office mates?

I think I should take some time to catch my breath and then I go into extreme hysterics that I will never find anything and I better get serious about the searching RIGHT NOW. I think I should have NO expectations - and on the other hand - I think I should set my sights high...I'm a pretty qualified person. (Until you go to look for a job - and suddenly...all the things that make you "special" are non-applicable and make you look totally unskilled.)

I've never collected unemployment - it sounds like something people in this situation should embrace...and then I feel like there's something really wrong with me for considering that ---and what if that benefit runs OUT and I'm still lost? How sad would THAT be?

I've invested some years into polishing my skills in this field - but maybe it's time to move on. Maybe there's a whole other field to consider ---maybe one that's more fun, or has more money, or has more advancement?

I kind of think a "job" instead of a career would be an OK thing - clock in, do it, clock out. No worries. Maybe I could be a dough master (I really saw that advertised) or a PhD of java-mixology (I made that one up). Really, if the money is going to suck regardless of where I go (and so far - nothing comes close)...shouldn't I at least have the advantage of having a blast?

I need a crystal ball. I need direction. I need to have all the offers laid out in front of me so that I can put together the very best poker hand possible...


So if anyone's got the career GPS - please send it my way...

Not In My Ice Cream

For obvious reasons, I am not posting this on the weight loss blog.

And if you are one of THOSE readers - I'm telling you now, I can not be held responsible for any craving that may overtake you after reading about this...

I bought an ice cream maker.

Why? Regina, don't you know ice cream is not the road to weight loss?

(Yes, so I've heard.)

Well, see it all started when someone posted a frozen yogurt recipe. And this reminded me of how much I really enjoy frozen yogurt. And you can't find it in the store. And this makes me crabby. And our frozen custard store went out of business. And that makes me want to cry.

And I love homemade, plain-Jane ice cream. Always vanilla - you don't even have to ask.

I am not opposed to toppings.

And then I was served some really GOOD ice cream from a local shop. And I did the math. I could go bankrupt in a month OR I could buy an ice cream maker.

So I have a new toy. It takes no salt, no hand cranking. Keep it in the freezer all the time - in 10 minutes I can have ice cream.

Except....

Did you know? There are EGGS in lots of those recipes? Like raw eggs. I can't do that.

And the recipes for non-egg ice cream are filled with lots of small amounts of ingredients that I don't buy. So this is problematic to my previous budgeting of how much ice cream I have to eat before I've SAVED us money!

But I also love ice milk. It's so simple. Milk. (I do have to buy whole - which is not normal for us, but is do-able.) Sugar. (And I can adjust this a bit to make it a little more healthy.) Vanilla extract.

Yum.

And no fear of salmonella. Well, almost no fear. You see, while I am offended by ice cream recipes involving raw eggs - there is NO hesitation for me to chop and add some cookie dough.

Logic, smogic. Enjoy!

Special Needs aren't Just For Peeps!

A while back (OK, it was weeks - time flies) I mentioned that my house has become a magnet for animals with special needs. Here's a short list of what is going on in the world of ME...

1. I have a narcoleptic Plecostomus fish. Incident #1 - He seemed to be passed out in a plant. Incident #2 - Found him sleeping UPSIDE DOWN at the top of the tank (apparently implementing the energy-saving "Dead Fish Float") Apparently the poor fellow eats himself into a mini-coma and then just gives up movement while he digests...this is not normal fish behavior - they usually like to be hidden or seek shelter from other aggressive fish if they are not feeding. At this point, he will be dead for days before I realize he is not just "sleeping it off".

2. I have a head-banging cardinal AND oriel. It's a female. She starts in the morning - flying INTO my window. Curtains up or curtains down. Over and over and over. On days that I've been home - she will do this for HOURS. Sometimes, she starts again in the afternoon. Doesn't matter if food is out there - she still does it. Doesn't matter if the sun is shining or a cloudy day. (It was suggested that maybe she's seeing her reflection? OR not seeing the glass?) It was also suggested that maybe they see a reflection and think it's a "mate"...but that implies EITHER that birds are color blind - or that potentially these birds are gay, since the female and male varieties look so different. So maybe I have head-banging, poor visioned, color-blind GAY birds?

3. I have a fish that is a vain interior decorator. Okay, so it is common for the Oscar fish to move things around the tank. He digs up rock - and I have LARGE rocks in the bottom - not weak little pea gravel - so this is the equivalent of weight lifting. And by saying "he digs up rock", what I really mean is that i smooth it out to cover the bottom nicely. And he digs it up to build 2 mountains on each side of the tank leaving the middle of the tank open- where he dances and dances around his reflection admiring himself from every angle. He has also buried the "ancient ruins" decoration - so either he doesn't like it or is re-enacting the scene of a landslide. He prefers his plants and heater to float in the tank instead of be mounted. AND recently, he started a new behavior of removing the filter tube from the filter - and burying it in the rubble as well. Perhaps he is part DOG?

4. I have a squirrel that needs behavior management. I am sure that to some extent all squirrels taunt dogs. But I have one - let's call him Chip - that has become a master. I should pay him for giving my dogs a workout...because between their hide and seek / tag games and all the tracking they do to find out where he's been...my dogs are pretty active. And the squirrel is building his self-esteem with each day that goes by because his bravery is growing by leaps and bounds. He was on our deck yesterday - drinking water from the dog bowl - WHILE the dogs were following his path...let's just pray his luck holds out! For if the pups ever get a hold on him...it's not going to be pretty - for either party! Because they are definitely in the same weight class division!

5. I also have a toad that is stalking me! Last year, he scared me on more than one occasion right off the steps of the deck - where he apparently decided to take up house. This year - we keep crossing paths. First, in our new garden site (where I removed his house to make room for the raised garden). Then, near the side door - where he had taken up a temporary shelter under my recently purchased potting soil. Then in a flower bed - under the mulch...after this encounter he relocated in the exact same bed in the exact spot where I needed to plant a week later. And just yesterday - he found me again as I was trying to weed another flower bed. Each of our meetings go something like this...me bent over very near the area, ground begins to move, I scream bloody murder, scramble to get away, and then try to calm my pulse and breathing while he stares blankly in my direction. I don't mind him being there - but if he could announce himself a little better that would be highly appreciated.

6. And lest you think I don't have any animal fun at work - this week I was greeted in the office by a gang of flies. Bad enough to have the critters around at all (and it's quite a mystery HOW they got to our office- it's like Fort Knox) but these seem to have attended kamikazes school and really enjoy dive-bombing people. I don't think I've ever been so happy to count down the days of the life of a fly before.

What Does the Dog Say?

I am sure -my excellent readers - that you long ago mastered your animal noises.

So if I told you that Saturday morning my son awoke to an odd noise....

And that this odd noise caused him to inquire "When did we get a duck?"

You would assume that the noise was...or sounded very much like a Quack!

And you would be right.
The confusion enters when I tried to explain that the Quack noise was coming from our smallest dog - and while her nickname is Goose, she is in fact all dog and should NOT be quacking.

But in case you have a small dog - and in case they ever start quacking....I want you to know, that after you stop laughing (and I strongly suggest recording the noise - because no amount of description does that noise justice) that you should call your vet.

Because our poor little puppy had a fever and an upper respiratory infection. Lucky we caught it in time to prevent dehydration or further complications. She will be fine after a few days of medicines and cough medicine to stop the quacking. And in the meantime, she is just happy for all the little "treats" of pill filled cheese!

I'm thankful that our son is old enough to know that the dog doesn't usually say Quack - because I can just imagine the worried looks that would have inspired from his teachers!

Mr. Mojito Where Have You Gone?

I fell in love with the mojito about a year ago. Thanks to a lovely lady - who could have easily become one of my best friends in the world - if only she was better at email communication and had a less busy schedule and didn't live clear across the state...

But she did introduce me to the wonderful mojito and for this I will be eternally grateful. And while I am not a frequent or heavy drinker by any stretch - when I do indulge, I now have this drink on the top of my wish list.

At a dinner meeting (off the clock) I recently decided to visit my friend Mr. Mojito at a local Mexican restaurant. I was served the best mouth-watering beverage I had ever encountered.

When I went to pay the bill - the young bartender asked me how I enjoyed my drink - and I was very happy to slather him with compliments. Soon I discovered that he had only recently learned how to make this variety - which included tequila and some other alcohol that I'd never heard of. I was really surprised to hear the ingredients that I had just willingly ingested and purely enjoyed...but mostly, I was just left with the impression that this was my new favorite place to order my favorite drink.

For over a week - I dreamed about the beverage. Passing the word onto others that it was pure liquid heaven in a glass. So on our next date night - I suggested that spot as a dinner option.

And I was served a mini-version without a sugar-rimmed glass filled with an icky but drinkable beverage - garnished with lime. To say that it was disappointing ...those words are simply not strong enough. It had gone from the "best ever" to the "never again" list. My dear friend - Bartender Mr. Mojito was not on duty.

When the server asked how I was enjoying my drink - I was honest that it was not making my mouth happy and I nicely demanded (requested) to know when My Mr. Mojito would be working again.

I'm already searching for a Mojito buddy to join me and redeem my memories of the yummy drink! If he can not recreate the golden liquid---I will chalk it up to a once in a lifetime bliss-and-joy experience in a glass. Cross your fingers and join me for happy hour.

What's your wonder-beverage? Can you get it anywhere or do you count on a few special mixers to make magic in your glass?

How To Scare the Bejeabers Out of Your Child

My son and I were having one of our rambling-chatty-not-so-focused conversations early on a weekend morning. It involved a cuddly blanket. And two dogs.

One of the dogs had plopped herself right on top of the blanket. And of course, this added heat made my child decided he no longer wanted to be covered up. He was asking if she liked to be covered up and I thought her snoring was a pretty good indication of a failure-to-care...so I tucked her in tight. He commented "Now She Will Be A Butterfly."

And I saw the light bulb in his head turn on. His eyes widened.

"Mom, Did I ever tell you about how they scared me at daycare?"

I brace myself - mind fast forwarding through horror stories, possible ways my child has been damaged, and begin planning my revenge on the soul that has emotionally damaged my child in a manner that he can only bear to speak of it 4 years later.

"At nap time, I liked to have the blanket tucked real tight around me. They said I was rolled up tight like a caterpillar in a cocoon. But you know, Mom it's really a crysilis - because a cocoon is for a moth, and a crysilis is for a butterfly."

I nod.

"She told me, 'When you wake up you will be a butterfly.'





"That really bothered me because I thought about it and if I was a butterfly I wouldn't see you anymore. And maybe you wouldn't be my Mom anymore? Or I thought maybe I would see you and I'd be yelling "Mmmmmooooooooommmmmmm!!!" and you wouldn't even notice me- because I wouldn't look like your kiddo anymore. And I was scared and worried. And I tried not to fall asleep that day."

(Sigh of relief.)

See how that was SO innocent? How many cutesy things do we say to kids every day that causes them undo concern and stress? And while I'm mostly amused by his rambling - it reminds me that you just can't make too many assumptions when communicating with children.

This is the same child that was certain we would see witches in Wichita...

Evil Book Hoarders

We will ignore the fact that this story occurs on a night that I had spent way too many hours on the road to reach a meeting where I would spend way too many hours listening to things I already knew - and would be held hostage under the premise of a "typo" - and then get back into the car for way too many hours to come home almost two hours late.

We will ignore the fact that my child was anxious about my departure before he knew that my return time would be post-bedtime. And that I'm lucky enough to have him think that my presence at home is a NICE thing.

So I came home - tired and feeling robbed of moments of my life.

And nearly an hour AFTER bedtime, my son busts out of his bedroom with PANIC in his eyes. He's already in tears and I can tell this is about to be a not-so-simple problem to solve.

And this is what he says - in my words.

His teacher is on vacation - or break - or whatever it is that teachers do when they abandon their classes to the watchful eye of some half-knowing schedule-breaking substitute. In her absence the librarian has decided to practice her bullying skills on young children.

The crazed-paranoid lady has 3 weeks left of school and she's screaming-mad as if she's lost her child instead of taking part in a system that has been working perfectly fine ALL YEAR LONG! (You know - we check out books. We read them. We return them in a timely manner ---we should have a good library rating...we are very reliable.) However, for some reason, books that are not even due - are suddenly needed RIGHT NOW!

Maybe this wouldn't be such a fretful event...if it were not for the fact that we have a country report due in 1 and 1/2 weeks. Or so we thought...apparently, the librarian feels that in the absence of the regular teacher - she can threaten that the due date is really TOMORROW! ???

(I mean is this kind of transfer of power covered in the school handbook?)

Now, we've had this project for a little over a week - we generally have about 3 weeks to work on these reports. And about 2 weeks in -we start (and by we I mean I start saying "time to do it" and he starts doing it) reading about the country and getting ideas for the report and poster. And as per our normal schedule - we've been thinking about it and getting started with the process.

But he's put nothing on PAPER. And he certainly doesn't have enough knowledge about this country on his own - I dare you to list facts about landscapes, people and culture, and wildlife of Mozambique without a reference book. (And yes, I'm familiar with the Internet -but at this stage they want you to use their references so they can ensure you are getting trained on how to not plagiarize.)

So the evil book hoarder is dying to get her hands on the Mozambique reference book and telling my son he needs to complete a 3 week project in one evening. (Did I mention - she's clearly lost her mind? And her sense of limitation of power and authority?)

I'm sure there was a "correct" thing to say. Or maybe there was a "better" thing to say.

And for the record, we are a very rule-abiding family. But I could not stop the words from falling out of my mouth....it went something like this..... "It's 9:30. You are going to bed. Your report will be done by the DUE DATE - you know, the one your TEACHER gave you. You are NOT taking the book back. If she asks, you will say 'I'm not done yet.' (he's gasping at the idea in fear) She can't hit you. She can't give you a bad grade. She shouldn't yell at you. You can tell her that you will do it as quickly as you can, and in the mean time if there's further concern she can call your mother or send me a bill."

Was that wrong? Or is it more wrong that she's scared my child to the point of tears?

It is becoming a common theme that so many adults lack the ability to PLAN based on a time line. It's an epidemic! Seriously people. Choose the date when you need it done. Count backwards to set goals of the steps you need to do to complete in order to meet the deadline. It's not that tricky. Or maybe it is...

I'm marking my calendar for next school year for 3 weeks before school ends. At that point I'll be sending a note to school - here's my rough draft...

"Dear Teacher (And yes, by then I will know her name)

Please excuse my son from checking out library books for the rest of the school year.

We have an extensive library at home. We visit the public library weekly. I assure you - he will continue to be a reader for the next 3 weeks of school and beyond.

But if it's all the same with you, I'd like to save your librarian the cost of anti-anxiety meds and leave the books in her care and custody. I'd like to save my child from the harassment and kidnapping accusations - because anyone who makes my child cry with panic and fear of unknown punishments is not what we would refer to as a "nurturing and enriching" and therefore, I do not find it necessary for my child to have contact with them in the midst of their end of the year outbursts.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Wishing Wednesdays - 16

Wishing Wednesdays: 16


I wish I could get credit for my gardening workout on my pedometer.

I wish I could figure out how to knit in my sleep (or while exercising) so that I could make progress two places.

I wish that the animals around my house were not possessed with special needs. (more to come)

I wish I had known about the cruelty involved in the "making" of one of my fish. (Please don't support this practice.)

I wish I could spread respect around the world like icing on a cake. (Mmmmm. Cake.)

A wish for my son....I wish that Librarians would not become posessed crazy-book-hoarders as the school year closes. (more to come)



Thanks for the week -
I am thankful (and equally haunted) by the discovery of a local bakery about 2 blocks away from me.

I am thankful for the huge hosta order on the way to my house.

I am thankful that this crazy thing called "my job" has allowed me to meet some really neat-o people...and that they are always on my "reasons to hang in there" list.

Random Crazy Dreams

Sometimes it doesn't pay to go to bed early...



1. The birds.

There was a seriously large penguin, a parrot, and some other large bird walking toward me - thier faces were filled with menacing evil. Clearly they were going to peck me to death.



2. Death by Snake Bite

I was being forced to be bitten by a poisionous snake. (Serious phobia alert!) I was trying to debate would it be better to be bitten by the scary large snake - who would likely kill me quicker or by the smaller snake - would would maybe have smaller teeth but might not kill me as quickly. I was still debating and trying to hold the small snake back - it slithered around in it's sneaky-snake way and the fangs went straight through my hand - and it was STUCK there. (My heart races as I type the words.)



3. I mapped out my entire back yard in flower beds.

Who needs grass? My hubby would be perfectly happy if he only had to mow paths in the backyard. So after a day of plant shopping and spring fever - I thought it best to dream compulsively about plant's light needs and good flower-bed mates and adult heights and fertlizer needs. It was not a plan that involved restful sleep.



4. The dream where you forget you are married.

Do you ever have this? A perfectly innocent dream about some love interest and then you REMEMBER - in your dream (because in real life I NEVER forget that I am married - not even for a second - certainly not long enough to FLIRT) that you are married and then you feel horrible in your dream for "cheating" even though you know it was a dream - one that you are still dreaming. Exhausting.



5. It's spring and I'm fearful of winter storms.

We had a long relentless winter. Has this scarred me? Maybe so. Because recently I was planning a large event and for a week had dreams that we were going to have a snowstorm that day - and that my speakers wouldn't be able to make it in...but the money wasn't refundable....and what would I do? Luckily - no snow. Not even rain.



6. The Ducks have weapons.

I'm wondering what has caused my dream-land aversion to birds. But after getting some house work done (in real life) and having the realization that we have a woodpecker living near us / visiting our house / and sometimes pecking it (in real life) I had a dream that I chased the woodpecker with a broom only to find myself surrounded by angry ducks. Each was armed with extra large bills. Is death by pecking a common fear?

7. Being lost, losing things, and wandering aimlessly.

I don't need a dream interpretation degree to deduce that this just MIGHT be related to the emotional rollercoaster of uncertainty known current as "my job".

8. Again with the birds.

I'm holding a baby bald eagle - he's wickedly pecking my hand. Why am I holding him? Don't know. Why is he relentlessly pecking me? Maybe he wants me to let go?

9. Jolly Giants

I'm going to a professional basketball game (alone)- have no clue how to get there, it involes much travel, and I'm very late starting. I get there and I have a front row seat - which interestingly is an office chair on wheels that slides wonderfully all over the court sidelines. I call my son to see who I should cheer for - but I don't even know who is playing (they are team green and team blue). I can't hear him b/c there are a flood of people coming into the arena.

The teams are warming up and one player comes over to say hi. (Of course, I don't know WHO he is - just that he's famous.) And he's a giant. Like he squats down with his knees on the floor and he's still towering over me. And I scream (b/c that is what short people do when towered over by freakishly tall men). And it makes the headlines in the paper the next day.

Maybe it's a side effect of the weather...but I'm looking forward to the return of RESTFUL sleep.

The Problem with Being Your Own Pack Leader

If you are considering bringing a dog into your home - beware, consider this post your warning!

In our house...we have these two poochies and three people. It appears that I am the only one that "speaks dog". I am the only one that can interpret the dog cocking her head to the side and doing an anxious dance....(that means, please check our water bowl and you will see that it is EMPTY.)

IF, you are preoccupied and don't catch on quickly. They will revert to doing the "stand on back two legs and jump repeatedly for the ceiling" if you happen to turn the faucet on at the kitchen sink... you see how they are?

Anyway, somehow - the dogs have come to learn that I am the person that will meet their physical needs. Let me clarify....


I am the ONLY person that will meet their needs.

Now, in all fairness - this is not really the truth of the situation. The child will feed or water the dogs if this need is pointed out to him. He will let the dogs out. He will let the dogs in. (Usually with prompting.)

Hubby has also mastered the art of dog care- in the event that I am not home (be that for an evening or for multiple days).

BUT, if I am home...the dogs will not accept the care of anyone other than their pack leader. Sure, it sound cute and like it's a complement of adoration....

Fast forward to any point in the middle of the night...hubby may be just coming to bed - I may already be in deep slumber mode. IF the dogs decide they need to go outside - NO amount of prompting from hubby will suffice. I will have to get up to let them out or they simply won't go (yet they will continue to skitter across the wood floor in a pacing manner from their bed to the bedroom door in a maddeningly disturbing way until you wake up).

It does not matter if I am sick. It does not matter if I have worked 40 hours in 3 days. It doesn't matter if I'm grumpy. They simply won't accept an offer from anyone else to meet their night time potty needs if I am present in the house.

Something to consider, if you are thinking that "Pack Leader" sounds like a good title. The fine print = solid night sleep no longer guaranteed.

5 Second Fish

In our house - we like resiliency.

There is a reason that I am drawn to plants that say "low maintenance".

There is a reason that I am thankful when the dogs are smart enough to "tell me" that they have a physical unmet need - you know, like food or water.

And there is a reason that when it comes to fish - we like the tough kind.

The kind that can go without weeks without regular feedings, that are strong enough to survive water in less than ideal pH levels, and that are not prone to disease or early expiration.

When I purchase these fish (which is seldom) I know they will not play nicely with others but I also know they will be around for many days.

And then....

For my birthday this year I got 2 parrot cichlids. While the cichlid breed is pretty strong and pretty aggressive, the parrot has some behavior tendencies but lacks the ability to act on it with great conviction for two reasons.

1. They are chicken, skidd-ish fish and like to spend much time in hiding.

2. They have a smaller mouth opening - which slows them down when it comes to eating their tank mates.

Because of their nervous nature, they do better when they have some kind of schooling fish to assure them that all is well in the world. After some research, we found picked out a tank-mate that should have been a lovely match. We added 5 to the tank. Slowly, they began to disappear.

We noticed that this often happened when my work schedule got out of control. (Read as: I forgot to do regular feedings - motivating the big fish to pick on the small fish.)

When I realized that I was part of the problem. I resumed feeding and went to the store to pick up some fish - as I had one lone survivor.

Imagine my horror when I literally released the fish - and it immediately ended up in the mouth of a big fish. It did manage to escape. But only to be captured in the mouth of the second big fish. By the next morning - we once again found the tank with only one lone survivor - bless his heart, the same little yellow guy.

Lessons learned?

1. Fish warranties are no good when there is not a body to bring back.

2. Old fish can learn new tricks when properly motivated by starvation.

Plus 1, Door Number 2, and 3 Don't Do's

I went to a wedding recently. It was one of those weddings where I really didn't know anyone - I just got drug along as the plus one. The nice thing about not being emotionally involved - is that you have lots of time to observe.

1st. There are lots of wedding traditions that just put a lot of pressure on the guests. Okay, so there is plenty of pressure - look nice, right gift, RSVP in timely manner. But sometimes there are "extra surprises"

...like "we'd like to take your picture - right as you arrive, coming in from the rain." I don't take many good pictures on days where mother nature isn't pouring on my head - much less on a day like this, for an event that I was drug along to.

Please don't do this to your guests. As if that wasn't enough, I noticed that the photographer was ALSO sneaking shots of us as we casually waited for the festivities to begin. I felt like I should go introduce myself and let them know "I'm the plus one, don't bother pointing here."

We were also asked to fill out a card for the couple and they applied MORE pressure b/c this was the "guest book". I refused, but I can imagine them insisting that you give marital advice or maybe it highlights how you know the couple - which in my case would have been "barely, but thanks for the cake and mints".

2nd Weddings give you the chance to observe lots of religious traditions. Like putting the cloth that a pastor wears around their neck (I'd call it a Lay - but that seems wrong.) ON TOP of the bride / grooms hands when you bless the couple? Is this an old ritual to keep the pastor from catching "common people" germs? Are the seven deadly sins contagious?

Sometimes churches are designed in some fashion that makes you think there are secrets! Like in this one, I swear there were "little people" doors behind the cross on the main "stage". I kept waiting for the little people chorus line to break out...alas, it never happened. But what are the doors for? Do you have to know a secret handshake to get in there? Do they only open them on special occasions? Does it lead to a secret passageway? And if I had explored it after the ceremony what would the punishment be if I were caught?

As a general aside note - the musical selections at weddings may be special for the bride and groom - but I see little point in them. First, I think that public singing is best left for darkly lit rooms or concerts - a wedding is neither. If you love songs - play them at your rehearsal dinner, play them during your reception, play them as people are entering the church and sitting / waiting with the photographer pretending to be the paparazzi....but for heaven sake, stop insisting that everyone listen to a singer that may or may not preform well under pressure while the wedding party tears up and tries to avoid ruining their makeup. Your guests will thank you, trust me.

3rd. As a youth at our church, they let us light the candles for service - it was a big deal. Little did I know, it was trade school for later life - when someone would ask you to be the candle lighter in their wedding. And in this case, practice does NOT make perfect.

Candles are one of those things in weddings that are just begging for Murphey's Law to come into practice. Why do we insist that someone light them in front of the audience? Who needs that kind of pressure? You might as well invite a crowd to watch you apply your eyeliner and mascara in the morning...we only need it to get done, we don't need to watch.

I'm going to start keeping score - of weddings where some kind of "catastrophe" does or doesn't happen with the candles. I'm fairly sure that I can quickly prove - beyond statistical question - that you should avoid candles at all costs.

My final observation is for the guests. Is it really necessary for EVERY SINGLE person under the age of 30 to have their personal video / photos of the ceremony? Either save your money on the photographer and challenge your guest to get good shots OR ask them to put it away. I swear, at several points the bride / groom had 4+ video cameras on them with an additional 20 cameras pointing at them. And this was a pretty small wedding - as weddings go.

I know, I know, it's YOUR day. You can do it anyway you want. But have you seen any really awful wedding ideas / traditions?

I've Been Dumped by the Universe

Some things have kind of slid by the way, during my month long wouldn't-it-be-fun-to-be-a-human-petri-dish....I will admit.

Laundry has been done on an emergency only basis.

Cooking is a sport I do not participate in.

Eating is mostly optional - unless medications dictates otherwise.

So, it's no surprise that my email has gotten a bit out of control. I've been pretty regular about dumping / sorting the SPAM file - but the "real" mail? Well, if I thought it contained any important detail at all - it was best left for a day when I had BRAIN function.

And so - at first, I didn't notice the silent treatment. Until....

Janet mentioned her message from The Universe - you can sign up for a daily (weekday) message that helps you focus on your greater mission in life - just in case you are like me, and from time to time you find yourself drowning in the daily details...who has time to think long term? I can't even plan dinner menus for a week- clearly I need these messages.

But the Universe has stopped sending me a daily message. Why? Have I ceased to exist? How long since they last acknowledged me? Have I offended? Is this some kind of secret message / hidden meaning? Should I be insulted? Should I sulk? Do you send flowers for this sort of thing? Does Hallmark make a card for this occasion? One must wonder...how do you win back the love of the Universe?

Until then...lacking daily focus and guidance from the stars...wish me luck!

My Life In A Box

This week, work involved a pretty big event. And gave me reason to reflect on how my work life seems to be overwhelmed with boxes, packing and unpacking. On my last self-evaluation, I listed that boxes were one of my least satisfying aspects of work - sometimes I swear I work for a delivery or moving service. (and that wouldn't be a problem - if it weren't for the fact that I really DON'T- or so they say. I'll let you decide.)

1. Shop for items needed.
2. Pack them in bags.
3. Pack bags in cart.
4. Unload from cart.
5. Load in to car.

At office:
6. Unload materials to pack into participant bags.
7. Fill each bag.
8. Realize that boss has additional suggestions of materials to be included.
9. Pack bags again with these materials.
10. Ugh. Forgot "gifts" to be included.
11. Pack bags a final time.
12. Pack the packed bags into boxes for easier transport.

Table decorations:
13. Unpack previously shopped for materials for decorations.
14. Make flower arrangements.
15. Pack finished arrangements into box for transport.

16. Pack ALL listed boxes into car.
(Also, pack all personal items needed for event / required paperwork / misc supplies needed.)
17. Go to event site to set up - only to find room is being used and set up will not be possible until tomorrow. Grumble, grumble, then give up and go home.

Next day:
18. Unpack car enough to fit child in to transport to school.
19. Repack car to go to event site.
20. Unload car.
21. Set up site / unpack all materials.
22. Repack car with empty boxes (no room for out-of-site storage).
23. Have event.
24. Mid-event, receive (against my will) delivery of MANY huge boxes that I am now in charge of should the intended parties NOT pick them up - for which they were NOT pre-warned.
25. Pass off boxes to unsuspecting participants.
24. Unpack boxes from car.
25. Repack items that are left.
26. Repack items into car.
27. Return to office.
28. Unpack boxes from car.

29. Still left to do - unpack all those boxes.
30. Sort through materials.
31. Repack those that are re-usable.
32. File or dispose those that are event specific.
33. Recycle boxes that are now empty and no longer needed.

Take into account that I have about 8 more events (smaller - but packing is still involved) in the next 20 days and you begin to see why I am a Chick in a Box. (weak reference to Man in A Box song).

Thank You For the Germs

Tis the time of year for illness to spread. I understand that this is going to happen to the best of us as we are often contagious before we even know that we are carriers.

But in particular, I'd like to thank those that make it possible, that ignore the symptoms and push forward to maintain their daily routine - all the while spreading a little piece of themselves onto you and I - it warms my heart.

To the "perfect attendance" child. Thank you so much for prioritizing your record over the safety of others. I admire the fact that while most people recognize that the flu is contagious for 4-7 days, you manage to return to school in only 1 day all the while letting your classmates know that you have the flu. Thanks so much. I hope we can return the favor- we'll be sneezing on your valentine. Sent with love. XOXOXO-Ah-choo!

To the mother that sends her child to daycare - even though she's pretty sure the child has RSV. Thank you for systematically causing a decline in the infant classroom attendance as all of the children fall victim to your personal germ warfare.

To the line of people waiting for the pharmacy at Wal-Mart. Thank you for choosing to personally come into the store to get your scripts for your contagious conditions. We know you don't feel well, we wish the lines were faster, and that you might consider sending someone else to do your dirty work.

To the designers of Wal-Mart (and all other super store chains with pharmacy inside) - I challenge you to walk by the pharmacy area one time a week for an entire year - after you have contracted every disease known to man - would you please consider a different design on future stores? Perhaps one that contains the sick people to one corner of the store? Or maybe the idea of having an entrance that comes straight to the pharmacy, instead of having to aimlessly wander through the entire store to get there? Or how about a drive through so they can just stay in their own little germ bubbles?

To the children of the "nurse". How did you make it through medical school and yet you fail to understand how to prevent the spread of illness? Just because the school day is done does not mean that your children are no longer contagious. Thanks for letting them run around and play football with all the neighborhood kiddos - shall we all send you all of our medical bills?

Just some things to consider while we wait for the germs to forfeit their attack on our household. We'll do our best to keep it to ourselves - though we may have accidentally spread the infection on to Grandma. It's like the horror movie that never ends without the potential for a sequel.

A Week In Review - Of Spam

In one of my Wishing Wednesday's, I suggested that spam should be a federal offense. Maybe this will help you understand why... I tracked my spam account for 1 week (about 500+ messages) and it's created much thought...

Who are these people? Are they getting paid to attack my email? One spammer - igarden4fun- seems to be offering me MANY varieties of spam (dates, credit reports, loan offers, jobs from home). Dude, all I can say is I hope you are getting paid well because the very fact that I RECOGNIZE your address in the Spam Box is really pretty sad.

How are they finding me? It's not like I've put my email on a billboard. Are we forced to close out accounts and start new ones to run away from these spammers? For a while I diligently clicked on the "unsubscribe" button - I don't know that it helped at all. Now I just delete.

What is SPAM anyway? I know it's a meat(ish) substance in a can - and who REALLY knows beyond that...but what is computer SPAM? Special Pain-in-the Ass Message? Special Persuasion Aimed at Morons? Single Procreating Alien Monsters? I digress.

I've tried to consider "how could I make spam more fun"? Could you use it as a fortune cookie / horoscope? Could you make career moves based on the traffic of spam? Are there secret messages in spam? (Think "You've Won Lotto in UK" = an unexpected bill will be coming your way.)

If you have any advice on how to avoid these bloodsuckers in the future - please let me know. Until then, let's look at what I've accumulated in a weeks time. It's pretty exciting stuff!

I have many opportunities to be better insured - 29 Auto, 16 Health, 11 Life, 8 Home and 3 for anything else. I can also renew my car warranty with 3 offers.

I could consider a career change - 9 to go to school, 16 Dental, 25 Teaching, 9 Pharmacy Techs, 5 Social Work, 11 Nursing and 7 Professional Painters. I have 15 offers for financial aid to support this career change and 2 offers to just give me a loan for whatever I might want.

But I don't think I need to bother with schooling since I already have 9 job offers - one is for $120,000 a year and is part time from home! Or I could just write poetry - I have 21 people begging me to publish and I have 7 book offers and 3 offers to proofread poetry. And if none of that works out - I have 3 Home Business offers, and 23 from Sex (oops - it's really Six) Sigma - it just sounds porn-ish.

What will I do with all my money from the new job? I can buy an Ab Circle, use it on 7 offers for drugs without prescriptions, buy ink online, remove my dark circles, get a magic jack, go on a Disney vacation, or buy some quality coffee that they will Auto-Ship to me for the rest of my life.

Money is definitely in my future- 2 of my next of kin are trying to reach me regarding an inheritance, 3 notices about a payment, I've won 5 cash awards / lotteries, I'm going to be credited for 1 ATM Payment, I'm expecting 2 instant payments, Western Union has 2 transactions for me waiting to be picked up, I'm eligible for GI Benefits (regardless of not enlisting in any branch of the military) and I have 1 package that will be delivered to me as soon as they can update my address (which hasn't changed in over a decade). I also have an email alert and an important notice from anonymous senders - I'm sure they also have money for me.

I am a very important person - the United Nations and FBI are both trying to contact me urgently.

Proof that spam is seasonal - 6 offers to help with Tax Debt and 1 about Valentines Day.

I'm worried about my health- 2 offers to buy health products online "discreetly", 9 offers for a diabetic meter, 1 notice about heartburn, 11 alerts about birth control side effects, 16 alerts about Paxil, 4 about Reglan, 1 about Extenze and 3 warnings about anti-depressant use. In the event that all this worry leads to hair loss - I have 11 offers to help me with that. And Smart Smoker will help me lower my nicotine contact - uhm, thanks I never started and I think that real "smart smokers" just quit.

I should consider remodeling my house - given the 10 low rate, pre-approved offers that I've received. And if that doesn't work out so well - I have 6 offers for Time Shares. And I'll be able to verify my good-credit rating for all those loans with my 4 credit report offers.

In the event that I decide that married life is not for me (just kidding Hubby) I have 28 offers from EHarmony to help me back into the dating game. However, I don't think I'd have to stoop to surveys since itouchmyself3 is "hot 4U" , a Brazilian beauty (twice)is new in my area and looking for a date, and Amjad baig believes in love, Lady GiLuvzU and buggy boo both want a date, and David Klottery has a "partnership proposal" for me, while Dr. Antar Ekli is offering mutual benefits. If none of that works, I have offers from Find & F*** and also from F***Book - I'm not kidding.

After all that dating, I'll likely be tired - but don't worry. It won't slow me down because I have 12 offers for a power chair- which I am assured I qualify for with no out of pocket payment. And in my old age I can be prepared if I act now on one of the 8 offers for senior living.

While I'm sitting around, I can enjoy any one of my 14 offers for satellite TV service - HD for the Super Bowl and a lower price than cable - and they will help me to recover from my sub-quality life without DVR.

But I think my favorites are the ones with a "personal touch". Kelly at Facebook has sent me 4 messages. Mr. Li Chin Wu, Mr. Mark Jones, Mrs. Lily Goody, Robert Zoellick, Rev james Morgan, and Dave Agot all need responses from me. By all means if you know any of these people - please tell them that I am much TOO busy to respond to their requests.

And this is JUST my private account. I could start a fan club with the number of foreign emails (I mean - not in English) that I've been receiving at my work address. Apparently I am very popular in the foreign countries.

The funny thing is, for a few hours before writing this - it was like all the spammers took a vacation. My Spam Box remained empty for multiple hours - it hadn't happend all week - it's like they knew they were about to be outed!

Here's hoping your week is SPAM free and that maybe my inbox brought you a smile!

A Lesson In Patients

From time to time (like all the time) I can be a little inpatient.

I'm an inpatient gardener...I spent months cursing my elephant ears for refusing to grow. I kept watering and thinking hello, it's wake up time. You are wasting days - sitting there, doing nothing, showing no progress of growth - I don't even know where you are...I might plant something on top of you. You know, something that shows signs of LIFE? They grew. Eventually, but I reminded them often that playing hard to get didn't make them any friends.

I planned and calculated with great passion to ensure I would have my amaryllis and hyacinth in bloom for Christmas and planted them promptly - have I yet seen flowers? No. I've threatened (lovingly) to throw them out in the snow if they don't want to keep up their end of the deal. I provide warmth, water, and regular turning - you GROW. Seems simple enough to me?

Did you ever notice how time is funny? Like when you are about to run out of shampoo / toothpaste - you know it's getting low. You know you need to buy more. So you do. And then the stuff seems to keep going......and going.....and you are thinking every day - just one more day...but it keeps going....until you are finally thinking - Dude, if I have to use two whole handfuls of shampoo today to finish this up; it just needs to END already. And then more days pass. And then it's gone - and you are surprised.

That is just like my relationship with the package delivery dudes / mailman. Here is how it goes...

Day 1. Really want item.

Day 2. Shop and shop and shop and find item.

Day 3. Place order and dream of the happiness that is coming to me.

Day 4+ weekend. Immediately get excited and can't wait for it to get here.
Obsession fills my brain. (I always forget to count "business days")

Day 5. Dying of anticipation - and still no shipping confirmation.

Day 6. Shipping confirmation - but no progress is track-able.

Day 7. Going to explode with the desire to have it in my hands - it just left the factory in Iceland.

Day 8. Rush home from work. Feel like I've been stood up from prom when porch is empty.

Day 9. No package - typical, a$$h%les, that's just like them.

Day 10, 11, 12 + a weekend- I don't want to talk about it.

Day 15. Complete amnesia that I ever wanted / ordered the item.

Day 16. It arrives. Great joy fills my soul and I'm surprised that it was such fast service.

Every. Time.

So right now, I'm ready to jump into the fitness goals of the year. Sadly, the best prices and deals I have found are all online. I'd gladly trudge through the snow, in the flesh freezing temps to have any of these products in my hand RIGHT NOW. But I'll have to wait. Obsession is filling my brain...let the countdown begin. My heart literally skips a beat when I hear the truck come down my street...and I just hit "confirm order"...will I never learn?